My Lonely World

Useless me

2011-12-12T15:29:00.001+08:00

I feel so useless! Why did I have to be like this? Why can't I just follow the rules and act my age? Why did I have to take so many MCs?! Hais. Now got replaced as OIC by my junior! Hais! FML!

Charged?

2011-11-14T19:40:00.002+08:00

I suspect i'm going to be charged.

So if you guys text or call me and i never answer,

you know what happen!

Hope i can talk my way out of it!!

And cash flow this few months have been bad.

I really need to control and mind how i spent my allowance.

2011-10-05T21:59:00.002+08:00

Hais. Left foot injured. suspect tendon tear!! zzz... 7days mc. hais.

2011-09-10T03:32:00.002+08:00

After all this time,

no matter how much i try and how much i deny,

i still can run from the fact that i miss her

and still can be affected by her

even when she does not do anything.

I just wish...

But deep down i know it wont come true.

If you are reading this,

i'm so so sorry.

2011-09-07T23:12:00.002+08:00

Everything just feels numb to me.

I think i have given up on myself le.

It hurts so much.

I can't take it much longer.

2011-09-03T12:41:00.002+08:00

I feel so much pain.

There is nothing i can do.

I feel like i'm going to explode anytime.

Why did i have to fall back into this darkness?

I really need someone i can talk to now.

But there is noone.

Hais.

I really..

Hais.

pain

2011-07-31T21:50:00.001+08:00

Pain, pain and more pain.

2011-07-25T20:08:00.002+08:00

Why do i keep falling into darkness? Why does it always haunt me? I feel so alone. So hurt. So much pain. I cant believe i always end up this way. Hais. I suck.

2011-06-04T00:03:00.002+08:00

I need to train. I really want to be on the squad! But, my mental level is so low that i keep giving up. When will i man up and train myself, push myself?

Hais, when sir asked them to join the squad training, i was very sad that i wasn't one of them. I really wish that i could be on the squad with the rest and train. I really want that so badly.

Front kick improved. But still cant hold there, need to train that part.

Side kick didnt improve at all, but i think got worst. Really need to train the height and the hold.

Split, no need to say. Still as gone case as ever. But i am trying to get the standard. Hopefully i can push myself.

2011-03-02T19:20:00.001+08:00

No words to describe how i feel right now.

The pain inside is overwhelming me.

I didn't realize I meant so little.

Why me? ..

2011-03-02T09:11:00.001+08:00

Why do i always choose the girls that will always hurt me?

Thought i had finally found a special someone. Guess it was just one sided.

2011-02-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

Said something that i should not have. Really regretted it. Really Sorry.

2011-02-20T01:16:00.002+08:00

Funny how history repeats itself. The pain i have not felt in a long time is back.

I lost everything when i lost her. But i cant say i lost, when i never had. Friends? That word somehow has a stabbing feeling to it. I really did love her. I just want to die now. Sorry, but i really do.

4056830968.

4025929709455.

288096806383705639.

2011-02-18T10:23:00.004+08:00

Hello! Have not been back here for a very long time.

Its the year 2011 now, and its FEB! Well, i just got promoted, but i'm still not where i want to be. oh well, you cant have everything in life, i guess. Life in NS has been sort of up and down. Guess its just reflects on how my life is.

Currently, i'm trying to get my driving licence and complete my MDIS studies. I also wish that my life would turn better for a change.

But wishes are just wishes. I now know that my life will always be shrouded in everlasting darkness. Darkness that i can never outrun or even hide from. Its just in my nature to be in darkness and hurting, i guess.

I wonder where the light has gone..

2010-11-20T07:43:00.004+08:00

The feeling that you might be losing a friend, is not a good feeling indeed.

2010-10-05T19:19:00.002+08:00

Darkness.
My life is filled with it, or should i rather say that my life is darkness.
No matter where i go or what i do, all i see is never ending darkness.
Darkness that is filled with pain, lonelyness and sorrow.
Guess that its my fate to forever live in it.
When will the light shine through?

2010-10-02T08:45:00.002+08:00

I have not been back here for quite awhile. Been busy trying to cope with my new posting in NS, trying to get used to everything. Now everything in my life is super messy and untidy just like how my room is. everything is here and there, and nothing can be found. My life is such a mess. When will i arrange it back or will i even be able to arrange it back?

Have you ever wished you were someone else so badly that everytime you fall asleep, you dream of that life and how awesome it would be? And when you wake up, you just feel like falling back asleep. And you wished so hard that after awhile you think that the dream is reality and that the reality that you are living in is nothing more than a constant nightmare with no way out?

I miss so much things from the past. Why does the past always looks so much nicer and pleasant than compared to the present or the future. Where is my restart button?

2010-07-20T03:45:00.002+08:00

Been awhile since i last post. At least a month le. Lately i have been feeling super lazy, no mood, no energy to do much things. Well a little update on my life:
1. Life sucks
2. Life sucks
3. Life sucks!!
So all in all, my life sucks! Still haven found my restart button.

Lately i have been feeling pain and hurt, but i just cant seem to put it all into words, thus i didnt post much this past few weeks. I still wish that life could some how rewind itself and i could go back and un-do the past mistakes that i have made. Stupid thing is that i have been thinking of going back to my habits and start slashing. At least then i would be able to feel the pain at the wrist instead of the un-seeable heart.

2010-06-12T11:08:00.002+08:00

Been quite awhile since i blog, just been so letargic that i kept lazy-ing around for a very long time. I think i still in that lazy mood. Cant get it out of my system, its screwing with everything in my life.

Anyway, i think around 2 weeks ago, i injured my ankle during a sparring sesson and went hospital! Doctor said that there was no fracture but suspect legament tear. So this coming Tuesday we shall know if its so. I didnt report this to CMPB cause i dont want to get my PES status downgraded anymore! I want to upgrade it! =x Also, this means that i might not be able to get my second dan before i go into army, which is in 3rd August this year!

During training yesterday at nyp, i train half way then my ankle coundnt take it so i went to teach the freshies, apparently that was the wrong choice! Anyway, i dont want to get into too much details about it, so in summary, it made me feel like crap and worthless! I really dont think i will be going back down to nyptkd anymore.

This just adds on to the list of things that i love but will not be able to do anymore!

2010-05-13T00:30:00.002+08:00

Suddenly all the past memories filled with regrets came rushing back to me. What is it with me? Why cant i get over these feelings? Why do i always go back looking and digging and making myself feel more pain?

Memories of school that i never completed. Memories of school that i completed but with lousy grades. Memories i had in BVSS. I look at people that have their diplomas and i look myself in the mirror and i can only see a loser.

Why do i even bother about writing all these down here. This blog is so dead. Noone comes here. Now i'm just crazy. I really wish and pray hard for that restart button. I would do anything for it.

2010-05-10T12:46:00.002+08:00

Just ended the Coaching Course exam! Practical all pass, but therory? hmm.. Wednesday then will know =) hope will pass la.. 12 more days till National Poomsae! Am i ready? I dont think so.. hais.

2010-04-15T19:02:00.001+08:00

Went back to this skin again. Better as i can listen to songs.
Hmm, lets see whats new in my life.
Life - SUCKS.
So nothing has changed. cya.

2010-02-22T02:35:00.000+08:00

I guess i'm really just not suited to be in a relationship.

2010-01-22T23:52:00.003+08:00

Suddenly felt like changing the blogskin, so i did, or rather used back what i had used the previous times.

These few days i have been thinking alot on the past, and the pain that i had once eluded for a long time has again found me. Why am i always looking for pain? Maybe its just that its my fate to be in pain and darkness for all time. Whenever i think of the past, the pain in my chest throbs even harder and more intense that it would.

hais. How i wish i would find a restart button so i can go back and re-do everything in my life.

how i wish..

2010-01-12T01:42:00.001+08:00

Maybe its just me, but the feeling of losing a friend sucks alot. Guess time really does change everything.

Everything changes for the worst.

2010-01-11T16:21:00.003+08:00

I must grow up. No longer can i stay naive and think that everything will work out itself. I must wake up and take control of my life!

2010-01-11T03:54:00.001+08:00

Whats happen to me? Why have i become so unstable? Everyday i just keep making my life and myself so unstable, when will it end?

2009-12-27T12:14:00.002+08:00

I realise that my family could have migrated to Australia long ago when i was very young but didnt. hais. I really wished that they did! I want to live and study there. This is one of the reasons why i want to go study overseas so badly. hais.

2009-11-27T01:55:00.002+08:00

Life ruined since 2008.

2009-11-12T02:46:00.002+08:00

Ok, this is official. I cant sleep at night! That is not with a lack or trying. i just seem to keep waking up an hour or so.. cant take it! hais. plus falling sick..

2009-11-11T02:00:00.002+08:00

Reality really sucks big time. Just one mistake and POOF! my life is going down the drain. Guess everything is really going bye bye. hais. I really am starting to lose my mind now. Really dont know what to do anymore. Guess i should be happy that i can celebrate my birthday outside, but Christmas is going to be in there so cant celebrate. So from now until 17 dec, i guess i should treasure the time well. NS will also have to be postponed. hais.

i wish i wish for everything to end.

2009-11-03T18:38:00.002+08:00

I'm so disappointed and pissed at myself. These past 3 weeks since school started and i have only been there three times the most. hais. Why am i like this? Why cant i complete something? Why is my will power so weak?! At night i cant sleep then in the morning sleep then cant wake up in time for school. Classmates are also so disappointed. Guess they will change project teams and i dont blame them for doing so. hais. Why cant i change for the better?! I keep promising myself that i would change, i would do this and that, but i cant! I never seem to be able to do anything right. hais.

I hate myself and my life.

2009-10-26T21:49:00.003+08:00

I cant trust anyone.
Everyone is either lying or covering for someone who is lying.
This world is fucked up!

2009-10-21T00:26:00.002+08:00

Everything has been shitty for me this year. On top of that, still thinking of the past. I want to go back but that would not be possible. hais. Wish there was a way.

Got my NS enlistment letter today. Jan 4th 2010, Tekong, School 1. hais. Thats good but i cant complete my studies. Guess i can only hope that the school will allow me to pause and continue when my NS is over. hais. Hope so.

Current PES is "C". I want to upgrade to at least PES "B". I know that i will get 1 more week of BMT, but i rather have that then to be unfit for combat training lor. I hate PES "C" ( UNFIT for COMBAT TRAINING ). I want to be fit for combat training, I also am fit for combat training lor! Just that, during the medical screening, my hand was fractured, then become PES "C". hais.

At the same time i dont want to because of getting PES "A" or "B" then get posted to school 2 or some other place. I want school 1 because it has more chances of getting into OCS. hais.

So many problems.

2009-10-16T22:32:00.004+08:00

Is it possible to fully get over the past? Because i dont think it is ever possible to fully forget or even put the past behind us. Some how it will come back in a way and all the feelings that you have tried to bury comes rushing back. Why cant i get over the past? Am i even trying? Or deep down do i even want to put it behind?

hais. Life is full of complications. When will i ever see a straight path in my life?

The song playing right now is by The Beatles called "Yesterday". Its an old old old song, but i feel like that right now. The whole song is really how i feel now. Wonder if anyone knows what i am talking about. hais.

Worried. But what can i do? Nothing but to sit at the side lines looking in. hais.

2009-10-01T02:24:00.002+08:00

Fuck my internet speed la!!! fucking piss!!! is it my internet connection or the bloody fucked up network?! why starhub so fucking lousy?! why my parents so stupid to chooose it?!! fucked up internet speed. want to play game or watch shows also cannot.. cb!

2009-09-30T01:44:00.003+08:00

Life sucks for me! I want a new life. Why is there no restart button? Why does god torment me so? I envy those that goes overseas to study. I wish and wish for it, but i know, i will never have that chance. Life in singapore sucks. I just wish that my life would be more colourful then it is right now. Where has all the colours gone?

2009-09-21T00:32:00.002+08:00

Exams coming soon. That brings up the question of AM I READY? I dont really think i'm prepared for it. I haven been really paying attention in class plus i dont go reguarly too. Guess habits are hard to break.

Tuesday is presentation. Dont know if can even pass that yet. I'm not really confident of it. Hopefully when i go find my group mates, the project of which we have to present on, iis finalize and ready. *fingers cross*

That day is also the court date. hais. Are we all really going in? hais.

Stress stress stress stress....

2009-09-11T19:53:00.002+08:00

Taekwondo is one of the things that i have a passion for. But recently i cant go down due to time restrictions. Then i feel that i am drifting away from that part of my life. I dont wish to drift away from the taekwondo community. I wish to forever be a part of it. But how can i now? hais.

2009-08-28T12:42:00.004+08:00

Stress. I am so filled with that now that i feel like i am going to explode anytime. So many problems, some clear and some unclear. But both are without solutions, or they have but have been hidden from my sight. I wish that solutions to them can pop up, i wish i can get out of this life filled with problems. hais. Where are the bright days? Why am i back into the darkness? Why does life seem so dim to me? Is there a light somewhere? When will this world of darkness become filled with the warmth of a bright light? Its so hard to keep everything to myself, but its harder to share. Because i dont think anyone will be able to understand or help me. Maybe i am just destined to live in the shadows and know nothing about the light that shines just outside of my reach. No matter how much i try to reach for it, it just seems to get further and further away. Just so stress that i just want a quick end.

2009-07-13T22:07:00.003+08:00

Alot has happen. So much that my life has changed for the worst ba. Its the court case. hais. How did i get myself in such troubles.

Anyway, since that happen, i have stopped goin down to NYP for trainings le. I really miss the people there. I wonder if i will ever get the chance to be back as part of their wonderful group. I wonder if anyone will truly remember me or the traditions that i started in NYP.

hais, really will miss those times. Really will miss the people.

2009-05-12T01:47:00.002+08:00

Finally camp is over!! It was damn fun for me, not sure about the rest, but i hoped they too had fun. Got injured in the leg where i broke it the other time. Super Pain. Lets hope its nothing serious again. Well, let the doctor have the final say.
Even though camp is over, i'm still quite excited. Dont ask me why, maybe the thrill from the camp has not died yet in me.
But i still quite sad that all my efforts put into planning games and activites and the performance, it all didnt go quite as plan. Sad. Also quite a little sad that it all ended so fast and noone ever knew it was me who started this. I do hope that this becomes a tradition, but will it be too selfish and too much to wish that people knew that it was me that started this tradition in NYP?
I just wanted to leave a little of me behind before i go.

2009-04-22T22:37:00.002+08:00

Cant stand it when people complain about school being too long or not enough breaks! Hello? At least you have a school!! But the thing that gets me the most is when people just skip school for no reason! Guess maybe its because i have finally learned my lesson? But there is just no more chances left! So to all you people out there, stay in school! No matter what happens just remember at least you will get an education!!

2009-04-08T05:51:00.003+08:00

I reaslise that i have become a sloth! These few weeks, i have been very ill. Dont know exactly whats wrong which scares me quite a bit. Some say heaty some say something else. These few days also keep arguinh with parents. Oh! I droped out of school and now a waiting to go into NS. Isnt my life screwed? =)

2009-02-09T22:09:00.003+08:00

Quite a while since i have been back here. Guess this is the first post for the year 2009.

2008 has been quite a year with many ups and downs ( but mostly downs ). There has been times of fun and times of sadness. But its also the year that i got into poly! You may ask how is my poly life, well.. It sucks!

I wish 2009 will being about a new me. A me that will be willing to go to school on time and really give my best in my studies. I also hope that this year i can get into a different course, a course that i will like.

About my love life, well nothing to report. Still quite sad about last year. But what else can i do? All i can do is watch her go and wish her all the best and be happy that she is happy?

Anyway, happy belated new year..

2008-12-16T01:37:00.003+08:00

Is life worth living? I've been asking myself that question for the past few days. Isn't it better to just end my life right here right now? Why continue on this road of eternal torture when there is a way out? I cant help but feel that to me, this life has already lost its' taste. I wish it to end and so that i can move on to whatever lies install for me next.

I have been staying at home these few days and having all sorts of memories of the past coming at me. My head is spinning and i cant stand it anymore. I feel like i'm trapped here unable to do what i want, unable to end it. Why then was i born into this world? I want everything to end. I keep having this feeling of sadness and pain deep down in me. No matter what i do, i just cant get rid of it. It is due to this that i wish everything to end. I no longer want to have that feeling with me. I want to escape all this.

I finally reaslise why i cant sleep at night. The moment i sleep, i have this stupid dreams where i'm someone else pretending to do something that i know i cant do. Every time i close my eyes i dream a different dream. Its not your normal dreams, these dreams make me feel even more sad and more pain. Thus i keep trying to escape reality by watching movies, anime and dramas.

Is there a way out? Please tell me how to escape this prison that i have inside of me. I want a permanent escape to this life of mine.

2008-10-29T22:32:00.002+08:00

I can honestly say something. I really want to end everything here. I dont have anymore enegy to keep going on this path that i never wanted to walk, i strayed from my original path is something that happen when i kept skipping school and beliving in people.

I really dont see anymore reason why i should keep playing this game. In this game there is no restart button. Thus i just wish to off it and see what is next. I really feel super lousy. Got so many problems. School, friends etc.

I want to end everything. Bye.

2008-10-28T15:31:00.003+08:00

Feeling like shit right now. Head is like so heavy and body aches here and there. Ladies and gentlement i have gotten sick! YAY! =.=

For those of you that know me, when i get sick, it means i get sore throat first, followed by fever(if worst is high fever), flu and cough. Well basically, when i get sore throat, i will get everything! The full package! Feel like shit.

Didnt go school today as well as for the past 3 weeks le. Dont really know if poly life is what i wanted in the first place. Dont get me wrong, i want to be in poly, but the life here is not what i imagined it to be.

Is this really what life is about?

2008-10-23T18:48:00.003+08:00

Hais. I told myself to go school everyday right? Well, i didnt. This whole week i didnt go school and i didnt have any reason at all! Hais. When can i really change myself and stop being this useless person that i am right now? When?! When?! When?! Life really sucks!

I really wish i was living and studying in another country. I wish it was either Australia or Taiwan. Dont ask me why Taiwan, but i really dont mind studying there. I feel as if i i really did live in Taiwan, i would have a brighter future?

I wish for another life...

2008-10-15T11:27:00.002+08:00

Hais. Why am i such a let down? I told myself that i would not skip school if i could help it, but just on the second day and third day, i have already skipped so many lessons. I feel really disappointed in myself. How can others act as in getting up in the morning and going to school is like nothing? Well i on the other hand is finding it so hard. Plus i dont know anyone in my class because i repeat thus different class again. Then i have also come to realise that for the rest of my duration in poly, i will always be changing classes. Will i ever get the poly experience that i was hoping and aiming so hard for when i was in secondary school or is it all just a dream that will never come true for me?

I really wish to get my wish...

2008-10-14T03:07:00.002+08:00

I keep feeling lost these few days. Is it due to the fact that school has started again and i feel lost about it? Well, that i think might be the main reason ba. But i also feel very stressed up. Feeling like the everything is closing in around me, i cant breathe. I wish someone could help me. But there are none.

2008-10-06T22:38:00.004+08:00

Some people say that when you are in love, you will keep thinking of that person, but when you are not, who do you think of then? When they fall out of love, they have nothing nut bad things to mouth at one another, but when they were in love, they will keep saying I LOVE YOU to one another. Why is that so? To some people, that phrase can be used very lightly, to others, that phrase is barely said or heard.

I found that after all the anger and hate are gone, you start to wonder how the other person is doing. Thinking of if she is okay and doing well or not, things like that. Then you realise that if you guys had just remain at least as friends, life would be much better.

But its too late. Funy how things always turn out this way. A person finally understands that its at least better to be a friend that none at all. But when that person understands that, it is also the time where it is always too late. Weird how the world works.

When i was looking through some old books, then i came across these 3 books that i used to use during my time in sunday school. I came to realise that i actually realy enjoyed going to those classes, making friends and learning about God. Even though during that time, i thought that it was a total waste of my time. It goes to show how someone will only treasure the things and experiences he has only when they have gone. This is another worldly lesson. Funny right?

Wish time would re-wind itself.

2008-10-02T18:01:00.001+08:00

Changed song. Like it? I'm getting back my passion for Gundam SEED again. Dont know why, i just love that show. So meaningful and nice. Thats why i idolise Athrun Zala.

Life? As normal, it sucks. Really wish i was in another life.

2008-09-15T19:49:00.003+08:00

Life is such a torture. I wonder what it is that i want out of life? What do i expect life to be? Is it going to school? Even so, why does school life in singapore differs so much from other countries? Why do i feel that i rather have the school life of another country than that which i have now?

I hate my life so much right now, that i keep wishing that i was someone else. I wish for that everyday. Anyone else has the same feeling as me or is it just me?

Anyway, i have nothing else to do anymore. I have watched so many shows that i cant think of any other shows to watch anymore. Suggestions? Recently, a friend of mine let me hear this song called "LISTEN TO YOUR HEART". Its not the first time that i have heard it, but i like it thus i'm writing about it. Did you know that the original song was sung by Roxette in the year 1989. Its my birth year! Maybe thats why i like it? But even so, i prefer the version sung by DHT.

2008-08-31T22:46:00.001+08:00

Just re-watched Brown Sugar Macchiato! Cant get enough of it. Cause everytime i watch it, i feel that, that is how life should be. Wish my life was like a drama.

Gui Gui so kawaii!

2008-08-22T09:54:00.003+08:00

I'm lost. I dont know where i want to go, or what i want to do. I dont know who i can depend on for advise. During the nights i just aimlessly do things like surf the net or watch dramas that i have already watched before, wishing that my life was much like that. When i close my eyes, i dream of weird things. When i'm awake, i'm like a ghost. Is my life any better than being dead? What is the point in living in the first place? God sent us down here to say, " oh ok, this is my life, i should work, sleep, eat, study, eat, sleep. " Is that all to life? No? But that is how i see life right now. To me, life is bleak. It is colourless, has no taste, no feel. I really wonder, why was i ever born in this life? Is it to suffer? I cant help but think that i want to end it all right now. Get it over with and see what is in stall for me next. I really want to end.

2008-08-02T03:55:00.002+08:00

Today is a sad day for me. Saw something that hurts me in so many ways. I thought i had long forgotten about the past. But the past has a way of creeping up to you when you least expect it and bite you where it really hurts. When i saw the message, my heart really broke again. I tried to move on, but everytime to no avail. Sometimes i wish i could reverse time. Go back and undo all the wrongs so that everything would haved worked out well.

Everytime i see you hurt i really want to help you. Give you advise, protect you. But all these are just a thing in the past.

What i thought i had finally put behind me is nothing but a lie that was used by me to bluff myself. I finally understand that no matter how hard i try or how far i run, i cant escape my painful past.

2008-07-17T04:47:00.002+08:00

My life is so screwed. When i was in secondary school, all i thought was that i wanted to get into poly. But why when i have finally reached here, i dont go school and keep skipping? What the hell is wrong with me. Tell lies to parents and teachers. Feel damn stress. But other than voice-ing out here, there is no other choice for me to say out how i feel.

Now i worry about if i am going to get kicked out of school. But even when i worry about it, i still dont go school. My classmates, i can feel, some of them have already given up on me. Tell you the truth, i also starting to give up on myself.

Stressed out.

2008-07-16T15:34:00.002+08:00

Life really is not fair. Watch tv, all the dramas and movies also say so. But you dont really belive it until something that you feel super unfair and shit happens to you. Only then will anyone really understand that phrase.

I really wonder if ignorance is bliss. I wonder if i had just went for tkd training, and not slack at MOS and didnt find out what i found out, i wonder if i would be much better off and happier? Is ignorance a bliss or a curse?

The thing is, that i was just slacking and not wanted to know anything. How i know i so suay and that person approach me. Sianz worz. Sometimes tooo much information sucks. Why did that guy have to tell me? Why cant he just keep it to himself? zzz...

2008-07-05T17:25:00.004+08:00

I thought i had gotten over it, but why when i found it out, i felt sad? I knew it was to be expected, i thought if ever i found out, i would be able to get over it and move on or at least just not feel a thing. But why does it hurt? Feelings are dangerous. Wish there was no such thing as feelings.

2008-07-02T15:19:00.002+08:00

Why am i so useless? I cant take it anymore. The stress, the lazy me. Why cant i change? I want to, but i feel that i dont have the ability to. Why cant i do it? Is my life really going to be like this forever? If so, i rather end it soon. Is everything going to end with me dropping out of school? Or will i get a second chance?

2008-06-21T19:59:00.003+08:00

Just finished watching a taiwanese drama called " Brown Sugar Macchiato " . Its a great drama, i recommend everyone to watch it. You can catch it on crunchyroll! Watch all 13 episodes of it le! Really like the show alot! How i wish my life was like that! >.<

The show is damn funny! Episode 1 let me laugh until cannot tahan le! Imagine all 13 episodes! hahas! Those who dont go watch is really going to miss out on something great! The songs of the show are also really nice and meaningful, if i can get the songs and the lyrics, i will post it up soon. So anticipate my next post! hahas!

The problem now is what show am i going to watch now? >.<

Gui Gui and Ya Tou are damn cute la!!
Rong Jia Xue Jie also not bad! >.<

2008-06-13T03:39:00.001+08:00

Damn it!! 50 dollars like that fly away! argh! stupid germany! why did you lose??!! T.T =x

2008-06-08T00:27:00.005+08:00

Quite a weird week? At night keep playing dota with the guys, to try not to think about stuffs. Morning never go school, for the whole week starting from last week!! OMG!! Confirm getting debarred. =x

On another note, going for TAEKWONDO NATIONAL PATTERN COMPEITION on next sunday, 15 June. Wish me luck =)

Oh, and thanks to the person who keeps e-mailing me updating me about stuffs. Dont know who you are or what you mean by sending me all those info, but thanks. Due to those, i have finally understand everything. Thanks.

2008-05-31T12:54:00.002+08:00

Feeling really very stress. I dont know what to think or do anymore. Very lost. If my parents call anyone of you guys, say you dont know where i am. I want to be left alone. Found out something that hurts a lot.
Hate my life..

2008-05-15T21:28:00.002+08:00

Feeling very stressed up right now due to many things. One is that i have got the second warning letter from Nanyang Poly about my attendance and when i went to personally calculate the hours required i found out that i cant meet the min requirements. I am so dead. Now, just waiting for the debar letter to arrive. Really very stress.

Other than that there is the issue that i cant understand what my lecturers are talking and teaching about. I am really lost and confuse. Its like they are talking but i cant seem to hear them? No matter how hard i try, i cant seem to catch the important words that are coming out of their mouths!

There is another issue also, but i wont say it out. It is really too hard to say and i really dont want to shame myself further.

Really very stress. Just wish for some end to come soon and quick.

Happy 16th birthday.

2008-05-11T11:04:00.002+08:00

I knew the answer before i even asked the question. But why did i ask? Why cant i just accept the truth and just move on? Why cant i wake up? I feel so stupid. I guess everything changed. I'm really thinking of just ending everything soon. Its just too much for me to handle alone.
Dont worry, i wont disturb you le=)

2008-05-07T01:09:00.000+08:00

Really feeling down.
Can anyone tell me why i still love her so much?

2008-04-30T17:19:00.002+08:00

Anyway i'm not going australia anymore. Parents said it was a stupid idea. They said i would pull the same stunt over there as i havee over here. So i am not going. But my aunt is going to try again around next week or something.

you keep saying everything has changed everything has change, but have everything really changed? i'm still the same. only thing different is that i am now in poly. you dont dare to give me another chance because you think poly ppl are different. nvm, its okay, i understand. i guess it has become clear, if you really did love me, then you would have given this relationship another chance. but i guess the rumors were true, you were just using me to forget zhong yan. well if thats the case, then you are right, i should move on.

2008-04-29T14:39:00.002+08:00

Didnt go school since yesterday. I'm really very stress! Really very stress and very sad. At night i cant sleep cause i keep thinking. Why cant i put the past behind me? How can people forget or put the past behind them so easy? And why cant i do it? Why do i keep thinking of the past and then feel pain all over again? Can someone tell me why?

Have not been feeling well. My throat hurts like hell, and it is currently bleeding. I think i know why, but i'm not a doctor so i cant be sure. I suspect its cause when i got this sore throat i just kept on smoking and smoking and smoking. I've been smoking alot, even more than usual. I find that when i have a cig in my hand i have something to do and the pain is not that great.

I wish someone would talk to me. I really need someone to talk to me.

2008-04-24T16:50:00.002+08:00

Haven been going to school these few days. Really didnt feel like going. I dont see the reason to go. Anyway, yesterday went to watch movie alone, watch Forbidden Kingdom, it is a very nice show. Today also went to watch movie alone, watch Doomsday, not such a nice show.

I got the sore throat again. And as you guys know, once i get that, i will get the whole package. Currently got the block nose and fever le. Now my head feels like it is going to explode.

2008-04-20T16:45:00.002+08:00

These few nights have been ton-ing around 1 head or at home. Very tired. Today went to Bugis to have lunch with my fathers' side family who came down from Australia. The place is located behind Bugis Junction. The building is called North "something" complex. The something is i forgot the name.

Well, talked to my aunt and i told her that i didnt really like poly life. She said ok, she will talk to my parents soon, but in the mean time i try to hang in there and see if i change my mind about poly. She said i still had till June, that is when the new sememster starts in Australia.

So after that, i went to shop around Bugis, and bought a watch, shirt and a jean. Dont ask me why, i just felt like buying them. Then took 61 home, i chose the bus cause i wanted a joy ride with a long journey so i could sleep. When i reach batok, only then did i realize that i didnt bring my key as i was rushing in the morning. So i wandered around batok, which belive me, i have before so i was really bored. Sat down at cc, alone drinking coke, lime juice and whatever. Was slacking alone for at least 3 hours then my brother called to say he reached home. So i came back and now blogging. During those 3 hours, i really had time to think.

2008-04-17T16:08:00.003+08:00

The first day of school was okay, i guess. Second day i didnt go, had some things to do. Third day, went, but skip the last lesson. Today also didnt go school. I really cant take it anymore. In school i feel very alone, then outside i also feel very alone. Really dont know what to do.

2008-04-14T02:32:00.006+08:00

I changed the song. When i hear the words of this song, it kind of reminds me of my life. So i have posted the lyrics so that you guys can take a look below. The song is " Too Close For Comfort " by Mcfly.

Many things have happen to me. Its has really been a very tiring and down period for me. Sometimes i wish that someone would just swoop down and take the pain away, or at least my life so that i wont have to feel the pain anymore.

School has started, later is the first day. Dont really know what to expect, but if it is anything like the first day of orientation, i would rather not go school anymore. I used to be able to face anything that was thrown at me. But now, no longer. In the past whenever i had anything hard and difficult thrown at me, i always had her to talk to, she would always make me better and give me the strength to complete the task. I have lost my strength and lost her to talk to.

On a last note, to the person or people that are pretending to be someone they are not, please stop that. I know i cant do anything about it, but think about how silly and lame you are being. Thanks.

2008-04-14T02:06:00.003+08:00

"Too Close For Comfort"

I never meant the things I said

To make you cry

Can I say I'm sorry

It's hard to forget

And yes I regret

All these mistakes

I don't know why you're leaving Me

But I know you must have your reasons

There's tears in your eyes

I watch as you cry

But it's getting late

Was I invading in on your secrets

Was I too close for comfort

You're pushing me out

When I'm wanting in

What was I just about to discover

When I got too close for comfort

Driving you home

Guess I'll never know

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand

And told me you loved me

But now that I find

That you've changed your mind

I'm lost for words

And everything I feel for you

I wrote down on one piece of paper

The one in your hand

You won't understand

How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets

Was I too close for comfort

You're pushing me out

When I'm wanting in

What was I just about to discover

I got too close for comfort

Driving you home

Guess I'll never know

All this time you've been telling me lies

Hidden in bags that are under your eyes

And when I asked you I knew I was right

But if you turn your back on me now

When I need you most

But you chose to let me

Down down down

Won't you think about what you're about to do to me

And back down...

Was I invading in on your secrets

Was I too close for comfort

You're pushing me out

When I'm wanting in

What was I just about to discover

I got too close for comfort

You're pushing me out

When I'm wanting in

(Yeh yeh yeh)

What was I just about to discover

When I got too close for comfort

Driving you home

I guess I'll never know...

2008-04-09T23:22:00.002+08:00

The Movie " An Empress and the Warriors " is a definte must watch show! It is very nice, with all the fighting scenes, love scenes and the SONG!!! It is simply DAMN Nice!!! Recommended for all groups of age =)

2008-04-08T19:19:00.002+08:00

Its been a very tiring and stressful day! I dont like that orientation at all! I was totally alone! Never felt so shitty that i could not take it, but these is one of those times. If this keeps up, i will definitely take my aunt up on her offer for me to study in Australia..

2008-04-07T20:57:00.002+08:00

Well, today finally got my laptop! Very happy and excited about it. I chose the high-end one. Band name is Acer, Model is Aspire 4920. Got almost all the components set up, but i think got problem le =( Tomorrow when i go for the orientation, i think i will go ask one of the lectuerers what the hell is wrong with my lappy =(

2008-04-02T21:41:00.003+08:00

School starts tomorrow, they sent me an e-mail saying that i have some sort of maths course that i may want to attend, so i accepted it and it starts tomorrow.

My aunt invited me over to Australia to study, i have not told my parents. My aunt and i decided that i should at least attend poly and see how life is over there then make my decision. So i think i may leave for Australia during June if i dont like the life in poly. My aunt will talk to my parents about it and there wont be any problems.

On another note, my mother is going for her operation tomorrow also, good luck to her. Wish her the best of luck.

Happy birthday to Vincent and Xiao Ben.

2008-03-28T21:17:00.002+08:00

I wonder if anything in the past was true. I am starting to wonder if it was all just a lie, a trick and that all the times i thought i was happy, were actually a lie. I am scared of that reality. I wish death would take me now, before pain can find its way to me again.

Everytime i close my eyes, i see your face. Every dream i have, i see you. Every thought i make, its about you. Why does my life revolve around you? Are you hurting as much as i am? Was everything just a ruse? Was anything true?

2008-03-25T22:04:00.002+08:00

I miss her. But what hurts the most is not missing her, it is missing her but not able to tell her i miss her. I cant reverse time nor can i undo what has been done. This time i know its over. That is why this time, i know i'm alone.

2008-03-14T23:32:00.004+08:00

Well, despite not having slept for 3 days, on friday, i went to taekwondo in the afternoon at Bowen Secondary School from 2:30 to 4:30. Then went to Nanyang Poly to teach self-defence. Then came to taekwondo at the CC. Having fever, stomach pains and vomitted just now due to it. Saturday, woke up in the morning ate breakfast with little brother then slack at home, around mid-night went out to drink with sebas they all, came back, didnt sleep again. Sunday, slack at home till evening then went to cc slack awhile then went to 2 head to eat with family cause mothers' birthday, then came back. Today, Monday, morning wake up then meet QQ then eat at cc then went to post office to submit poly documents, went to my house and start drinking.

2008-03-08T05:33:00.003+08:00

Its been a very hectic week. Ston-ing at home almost everyday. Stare at the computer screen and i'm starting to be lazy. Well, to be honest, i think i'm already lazy.

Anyway, many things happen and i want to take this chance to apologise to Wanxin Baobei. Baobei, sorry for everything. I love you.

2008-02-29T22:33:00.001+08:00

I Miss Her.

2008-02-25T21:30:00.005+08:00

Nothing much to update on the happenings today. But due to someone suggesting that i update everyday till 14 April, so i shall give my best and try to update everyday. Woke up around 10 plus today, but then saw my father was at home, so i went back to sleep. Dont ask me why, but i dont like it when my parents are at home. It feels like part of my freedom is gone when they are around. But with them around means one thing good, i will always have money. Hahas.

I miss her.

By the way, i have also updated my wish list! =x

2008-02-24T19:22:00.002+08:00

Hello, its been at least a month since my last update. I've been busy? Well, sort of. But mostly i've just been lazy to update, dont ask me why i'm suddenly updating. Anyways, as some of you might have heard, i've gotten back my JAE results and have been posted to Nanyang Polytechnic - Electronic, Computer and Communication Engineering ( C89 ). Well, not exactly what i expected or wanted but hey, at least i'm in Poly! So still okay. Start my new course and semester at 14 April. Dont know what to expect from it, but i'm reallyt excited!

On a personal note, i'm trying to quit smoking, i know i've been saying that for such a long time but this time i cant be anymore serious. Dont ask me why i want to, but yeah, i feel like it? Anyway, from now til 14 April, i will be filled to the brim with boredom, so if anyone has any suggestion on what i should do, do tag me.

Me and her? Well, we are still together and i love her. But some how i feel that we may have grown apart? I dont know what happen, so dont ask, i just wish we can go back to being close to one another like the past, but without all the fights and arguements. Well, thats all i got to say, so see ya.

2008-01-28T00:19:00.000+08:00

Since the last post till now would be exactly 14 days. During these 14 days, there had been a great deal of things going on in my life. A few were very painful and sad memories. I wish those things wont happen again. Wont say what they are, those who are close to me will know what i am ranting on about. I really wish they never happen.

I miss BaoBei =x

2008-01-14T16:59:00.000+08:00

Very bored, so dicided to change the skin of my blog. Change song as well as tagboard. Updated my friendster profile too. Well, i just add a few things only. A whole new begining to the year 2008? Anyway, nothing much happen today. Very bored.

2008-01-07T12:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the taekwondo grading for all coloured belts. Wish them the best, hope they get their desired results. If you dont, its okay, there is always another chance =) Well, today is mum and dad's anniversary, they went out le. Wish them the best =) Tonight will be having steam boat at home to celebrate!! Hahas!! Nice Nice!!! =) Guess i'm a pig? Lols.. =x

2008-01-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

Happy 2008 everyone!!
Many things happen in 2007. I wish that 2008 will bring many many happy memories for me and baobei=)
I love you baobei=)

2007-12-18T18:46:00.000+08:00

Happy 2 Month Anniversary to WANXIN baobei and ME!!! xD
These 2 months have been great! Thanks for them =)
Love you =)

2007-12-13T21:50:00.000+08:00

These few days keep thinking of this topic, MARRIAGE. Dont ask me why, but i just keep thinking of it. Hais. When i think about it, i'm happy? But sometimes when reality hits me, it hurts. Sianz..
Got a job at Singapore Technologies, with Alvin. Job is thanks to Wisely and his mother. Really many thanks to them. The job is quite tiring and sometimes, i feel like quitting, but i dont want to be a failure and let people down.

2007-12-07T00:55:00.000+08:00

These few days very stress. So many unhappy things happen. Argue with parents. Argue with her. I really wonder, is my whole life made up of just arguments? Parents that part, no need to say more, all standard topics.

I'm really scared. It isnt even 2 months and we have already argued so many times and some of them really argue until so badly. Really dont know what to do. I want us to last, i also know that she wants us to last. But why do we always argue? I really dont know. All i know is that my life has no meaning if she is not in it.

When i see her, i feel very happy, like all my problems are all gone. They dont seem so problematic, but seems so distant and easy to solve. I feel like my energy level goes up and i'm more awake and stuff. When i dont see her, i feel so distant from the world. Feel alone and when i'm alone, i tend to any how think. Make simple problems seem so complicated.

I wish we will last long. I'm putting all my efforts into it. I wont give up.

2007-12-01T16:34:00.001+08:00

Almost lost something very special to me today. Feeling really scared and a little uneasy now. Going out soon, just came back home to drop something. Hais.

Hate is a very strong word.

2007-11-27T21:11:00.000+08:00

Everything went wrong today. I cant blame anyone but myself.

Parents came back, and the moment they stepped into the house, they have not stopped complaining. I did all the house chores, but they just jumped to conclusions and started scolding me. I told them that i got do, but all they did was shout louder and called me LIAR!.

To her,
i'm sorry for saying those words. I didnt want to admit at first was because you got me at a lost, i really had totally forgotten about it. Thats why at first i said no. Then when you hanged up, i thought why did you ask me that, then i remembered that i did say those words, but it was just when i was angry. I'm sorry. I didnt mean those words. But i guess its too late. Sorry for everything.

Guys, dont call my house. I wont be home. Really dont feel like just staying at home and thinking. Really stressed and sad. Dont know what else to do.

2007-11-24T00:57:00.000+08:00

Really stressed up about these few days' events. So stressed out that it seems that it cant even be compared to the stress i felt during my 'O' levels.

First of all, last night i just lost my Wallet which contained my E-Z link and most importantly, my IC! I hope that the guy who took it gets knocked down by a car or something =x Parents went to Malaysia this morning and will be returning only on Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning, not too sure.

Spent my day rotting at home then when evening came, i went to marina and had steamboat, then got really pissed, then went off back to Batok to find the guys. Went to 289 for a while then headed back home. When reach home, didnt know what to do, so i tidy up the house. First, i went to clear up my room. Second, put all the clothes for washing. Third, take down the dry clothes. Fourth, sweep the floor. Fifth, put the towels for washing. Sixth, dry mop the floor. Seventh, vacuumed the floor. Eighth, hang the clothes. Ninth, hang the towels. Tenth and last, put bedsheets on my bed. =)

I miss her loads =(

2007-11-18T01:05:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since i last blog, but due to SOMEONE always telling me to update so here i am. Happy ma baobei? (:

Baobei, HAPPY 1 Month Anniversary (: I love you loads!! You will always be my baobei (: We started on the 18/10 and now it has already been a month since then. And it has been the best month i have had in a long time. Without you in my life, there really isnt any reason to be happy.

I love you (:

2007-10-13T21:45:00.001+08:00

Hais. I think i may have gotten depression. Not kidding here. Just watched this episode of health wise. The topic for the episode was depression. I have most of the symtoms. Loss of sleep, not being able to sleep properly or oversleeping. Well, i have that. At night i cant sleep. When i try to sleep, i will auto wake up after an hour or so. Then in the afternoons' i would sleep and sleep and sleep. At first i thought it was just that my body was too used to the late nights that i had been having. But its been too long and the reason for my late nights was cause i had problems. Hais. I think i have depression.
The next symtom is losing interest in what i do or love to do. I stopped going to taekwondo, and if you guys know me well enough, you would know i really really love taekwondo. Basketball, i dont play so much nowadays. I just dont feel like playing. The show also mention that depression will make one just feel like not doing anything for long hours. Well, that is also me. I sometimes just sit around and be quiet. Hais. I really dont know. I think i have depression. Hais.

2007-10-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

How to study?? I cant seem to make myself study. But when i do, nothing gets into my mind. Can anyone out there help me? How can i make myself study so that i can pass and get into poly? Hais. I dont want to let anyone down...

2007-10-04T20:00:00.000+08:00

I HATE MY LIFE!! REALLY HATE IT!! COME BACK HOME, PARENTS SCOLDING ALL THE TIME!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!! ALL THEY CAN SEE IS I'M LOUSY, A DISGRACE TO THEM!! JUST DISSAPOINTED SOME FRIENDS WHOM WERE TRYING TO HELP ME.. I'M SORRY OKAY?!

To the unknown in my tagboard: dont worry, you might just get your wish soon enough..
To Zhi Hui & Wen Yi: Sorry. Really sorry. I didnt mean to bomb you guys.
To my parents: i know you guys hate me, i'm a disgrace right? Mum, you said never to come home again right? dont worry, you wont have to see me in the house ever again!! You always compare me to Samuel. you wish he was your son instead right? I'm the cause of your high blood pressure right? its all my fault!! so let me relief you of that stress!!
To her: sorry for harassing you all the time. really sorry!
To Everyone: If my parents ever calls you and ask where i am, just say dont know. I really cant take it anymore!! I'm running!! I will go to school and all that, but i wont come back to this hell hole!!

You all can say that i'm being childish and stupid. say all you want. i dont care anymore. i really cant take it!!!